Rivers Rant: Houston, We have a surprise!

DJ

By the miracle of Moon’s mustache the Houston Texans have finally shown the testicular fortitude to go out and trade up to get a quarterback to be THE MAN. Win or lose the Texans actually shot for the target to get the future of the franchise and at the same time breaking a long belief that the front office was racist, in spite of having a Nubian brother running the day to day operations. It got to the point where fans of other teams would openly state there would never be another black QB in the city without a fuck given about our feelings on the matter. Privately there was a certain unspoken place in the heart of every fan in the city that believed it, but publicly was offended by such a thought. We would name every quarterback of color that has taken a snap from Tony Banks to BJ Daniels ignoring the fact that none of the got more than two starts. Well sorry to bury the lead, but with 12th pick, we the Texans of Houston have drafted a muthafucking black quarterback!

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To start or not to start?

By the time you read this the Texans will probably be in the West Virginia hills with much cooler/ better temperature than they will have here in town, and the weather is going to be pretty sweet too. The temperature I’m speaking of is the local media which is scorching when it comes to sports. The pressures of having a promising team seems to weigh heavy on the talking heads who call for the jobs of any and everyone involved with team decisions. They hold grudges and ridicule the team on decisions of the past. Most sound like out of town fans but the difference is they like to talk with the assurance of an insider. They make up more stuff than us fanatics in the barbershop.

The Texans not having a quarterback has been a major narrative for God knows how long. The team is damned if they do and damned if the they don’t with local media. They’re hypnotized by hate. They use different argument points to counter rational thinking. Either the team has passed on quality guys with bad draft picks, been scared to trade up to now they gave up too much to get a guy. Not only did they get a guy that for the most part was the popular choice, but have two quality PROFESSIONALS to bring him along. As the saying goes steel sharpens steel.

Not gonna lie it did seem like the organization had a written rule of no competition at the QB spot starting with David Carr. Granted David wasn’t dealt the best hand with no offensive line. (FUCK YOU TONY BOSELLI). Nor was there a much needed veteran quarterback to guide him along his transition into the league. The only competition I remember came four torturous years later on a golf course where the starting spot was decided by a bet between Matt Schaub and new head coach Gary Kubiwack. *not a typo*

The team has stated that Tom Savage is starter and Watson will be given the opportunity to compete which seems impossible for most to comprehend or believe. It’s easy to understand and trust Savage being the starter and I’m more than comfortable with him especially after surviving “The Brockening”. Besides having one of the dopest names for football along with Whitney Mercilus, well not the Whitney part, he has a cannon of an arm, knows the plays and been been groomed by Teapot. Hell Savage was the media darling the same draft as “A Brockalypse Now” the Jimmy Garoppolo before Jimmy Garoppolo if you will. He has potential, but he gets hurt about as much as a get hurt machine. He has the luck of a rabbit with three feet. His pain always ends up being the good fortune of someone else. Seems like 10 different guys have received Texans QB playing time since he been here only because of his lack of availability due to injury. Don’t get me wrong I’m not wishing ill on nobody, but it’s safe to say an injury to Savage is in the realm a possibility. He’s still basically as much an unknown as rookie when it comes to playing time, far from veteran leadership.  Which bring is to Brandon Weeden.

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Now let us continue…

For all the potential and familiarity of the offense with Savage, if we being real better yet trill, Deshaun Watson has had more serious action in the last two years than Tom’s whole career. Standing up to the pressures of back to back national championship seasons obama’s Tom’s two games and a couple of early exits that equate to spot duty. The two time Davey O’Brien award winner brings a little championship respect to the team.

In a perfect world you’d expect for a first round national champion to out play a fourth rounder, but that’s wishful thinking. Well put me in the wishful thinking party because I want Deshaun Watson to quarterback today, quarterback tomorrow and quarterback forever. I’m not racist cocksucker George Wallace and Deshaun ain’t segregation so we have to think rational here. You don’t want to throw him to the wolves with fresh wombs lest he be eaten alive. I understand there’s a process and that success in college doesn’t always translate to the pros, BUT I’m willing to put my money behind young master Watson.

If our offense is as complex as it’s said to be we need someone to learn and execute at a high level. Learning fast and execution happen to be two areas Deshaun Watson has shown a proficiency for on and off the field. The young man graduated high school early with a 3.7 GPA along with all the heavily documented home life situation. Went on to Clemson and AGAIN graduated early, this time he upped the ante by doing it this time in two and a half years with a degree in communication and a national title.At Clemson, Watson put up 10,138 career passing yards, 90 touchdowns and just 32 interceptions. He rushed for 1,744 yards and 26 scores. Everyone praises his leadership and preparation and it must be something for him to be named the starter in his freshman year. Dabo Swinney stated that he knew Deshaun was his quarterback after a camp his freshman year in high school. As legend has it he came in and basically took charge of the fellow camp attendees, leading them in drills new to himself. The talking heads call it the IT factor, the alpha dog, whatever IT is Deshaun has it in spades.

Now I totally understand him sitting a year or less and I might be persuaded to agree with you…might!  How do you tell Justin James Watt, chomping at the bit and coming off two back surgeries, having just watched his defense go No. 1 without him, while getting little to no help from the plate of raw Broccoli at quarterback, that you drafted the national championship all American stud of a quarterback, but Tom Savage is the starter?

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No disrespect to Nacho Man Savage, but his next touchdown will be his first and he doesn’t have big game resume/ pedigree. As much as I’d love to have my QB named Savage, I’m serious I really want competition. Now if said competition is even close by the slightest of margins you owe it to the defense and Nuk the Bomb to start Deshaun Watson. The team is stacked on paper boasting three or four quality running backs, something he never had in Death Valley. He has some big trees for tight ends with nice hands to act as safety nets. Along with the aforementioned Hopkins there’s Jaelen Strong, who defiantly owes a debt of gratitude to the football gods for the waiving of Keith Mumphrey, their last year’s 1st round pick, Fifth Wheel Fuller and and of course the fastest man in Texas the undrafted WendellScooterWilliams. All the ingredients are there for a successful rookie campaign for Watson if he’s truly the quarterback of the future, well the future should start now. You don’t let the valet drive the Bugatti, merely park it and Savage is the valet in this scenario and Watson is the new owner.

The argument going against New Moon headed into the draft was that he was bailed out by the NFL talents of others, namely Mike Williams. I challenge that by asking what quarterback got by without a great catch from a receiver a time or two? Deshaun Watson was supposed to be surrounded by more talented players than everyone else, but when the dust settled Mr. Biscuit and UNC and their eight wins had as many players drafted as Clemson, six. The media will use any and every excuse afforded to them to explain their supposed expert opinions on black quarterbacks pro ready. Last years first and second picks were locks for franchise QBs even though Goff only lead his team to one winning season and as for Wentz, he took over a team that won two years prior without him plus made it with him injured his lone full season as the starter. Now this isn’t an indictment against the talents because each young man has a trait that makes him pretty good, but the narrative was they were can’t miss prospects that would be franchise changers. Well the news coming out of Los Angeles is that it ain’t set in stone that Goff will be the starter. After a promising first half and a lackluster second half of a rookie season, Wentz is working with an outside quarterback coach to the dismay of the Eagles of course. I say that to say no rookie is a finished product and any player of worth that values his career will work to improve. It seems like black quarterbacks are judged on what they are right now while a white quarterback is seen for his potential in the future, in my opinion at least. I was told we as blacks have to take three steps for every one step whites take and It seems as though Watson was told the same thing because he has been putting in extra time after practices tighten up his throwing motion. You know how the saying goes amateurs practice til they get it right and pros practice til they can’t get in wrong.

The Texans are sitting on one mean ass team. The defense is primed and ready for some action, littered with stars, current and budding. The offense is nice on paper, but like they say just lacking a quarterback. We moved up 13 spots and got one of the best. DESHAUN WATSON TODAY! DESHAUN WATSON TOMORROW! DESHAUN WATSON FOREVER! 

Rivers

Goodbye Lance Parody

Today marks the final day that my All-Time favorite sports talk host takes a break from sports talk radio.  I’ve been listening to my man Lance Zierlein for over 20 years like a lot of other sports talk enthusiasts in the greater Houston area have been.  LZ, as he is commonly referred to as, always gave me a lane to express my love for music and sports by playing my goofy sports parodies over the airwaves.  So here’s my swan song for my boy(Even though we’ve never actually chilled or met) LZ.

 

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Rivers’ Rant: Bubba-Chuck, Earl & Me. Me and the boy A.I. got more in common than just ballin’ and rhymin’

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I’m back like a rebel causing trouble, an assassin kicking ass on the double. And there’s not a muthafucka alive that’s gonna stop me, so fuck you and your punk ass posse.

Basketball and hip-hop go together like PB&J. No player/artist comparison displays that better than the astounding careers of Allen Iverson and DMX.

You’ve probably never thought about how similar the two are.

  • Both are great among stiff competition
  • Careers blew up in 1998
  • Both could’ve been so much more of not for personal demons

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In the 90’s hip-hop and basketball had finally surpassed their older counterparts like rock, football and baseball, in the cool department with the teen demographic. Hip-hop was our religion and the court was church. The Source and SLAM magazines were holy books. You were shunned if you didn’t know who was on the McDonald’s all-star team or the latest hip hop quotable.

I first heard DMX on the underground classic ‘Time’s Up’ by Mic Geronimo. He was featured on the song along with Jay Z and Ja Rule. Of course it was a banger, but I didn’t hear anything special in him.

When 2Pac and Biggie were tragically taken away it left a giant hole in the game. A lot of fans were like ‘OH SHIT, WHAT WE GONE DO NOW?!’ Sure things survived, but the only people moving units was Em, Pimp Juice and Jay. Dope as they may be, they just didn’t have the ruggedness or sincerity of 2Pac. They could make hits just nothing that touched the soul.

There were more Pac pretenders than contenders. Take ya pick from Lil Zane to Lil Wayne with more bandanas than shirts and more tattoos than talent. Then there was X.

‘Stay out dark/ Cause if I catch you when the sun is down/ run it clown…’

4, 3, 2, 1 came with four lyrical titans, Red and Mef, Canibus, LL and DARK MAN X. Everybody on that song was fire. It’s probably better known for the Canibus and LL beef, ok it’s only known for that, but for most people that was their first time hearing DMX. The others spoke about their skills and metaphorically hurting you, but not X, he said he was gonna rob you if he saw you once it got dark and you believed him. He went on to release two highly aggressive singles that had everybody barking.

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Allen Iverson came in like a whirlwind breaking the ankles of guards and disrespectfully dunking on centers. Like X he was featured on a hood classic that was Georgetown University with the great John Thompson and the not so great Othello Harrington. At the time Othello was the highest rated high school player of all time and was recruited to be the next great big man from Georgetown, but ended up being just alright. Harrington had a nice left hand, but came to the Rockets and wasn’t shit, but I digress. The Hoyas had recently added a kente cloth-like pattern to the jerseys and by the power of Alonzo Mourning they were cool again.

Allen Iverson was the first guard to be given the green light and boy did he use it. At first he played to the beat of Elder Thompson’s drum then in year three… RELEASE THE KRAKEN! The loss to North Carolina must’ve made John take it to streets and let little Allen takeover. When they got to the dance Hoyas were the sexy pick to win it all. They spanked the first round opponent, but it was their second round foe, The Texas Tech Red Raiders, where it got personal.

I’ve been posterized once in my life and it was by Gracen Avril, an all American McDonald all-star. You don’t know the amount of joy I felt as Bubba Chuck just destroyed him and the Red Raiders. Every time he scored on him it felt like I scored. The most memorable moment was in the final minutes of the game. The camera panned to the sideline and caught none other than Gracen Avril crying like a baby. I know I’m being Petty Riley, but it was at that very moment Iverson became my favorite player.

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It wasn’t until 1998 when these two guys really took over. Allen Iverson fresh off shaking the shit out of Jordan,  won the first of his three straight scoring titles and made cornrows and tattoos a prerequisite for urban basketballers. DMX dropped his first of three platinum records with two in ‘98 alone becoming the first hip hop artist to do so. It looked as if both guys were primed to take over the game only to be out shined by their more business minded monsters with clear cut plans for greatness, Kobe and Jay Z.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL HAVE RUINED MY LIFE…

Addiction: a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)
: an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something.

Both of these greats suffered tremendous losses and setbacks because of addiction. I would be here all day trying to document and recount each crazy ass headline involving these two but fuck it. DMX once slept under a table at a charity event for underprivileged kids due to “exhaustion” and no matter what Bubba-Chuck momma said the rumors of him being drunk with a pistol dragging his woman, who may or may not had on clothes, down the street never quite went away.

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For all the money they made they both were constantly dogged by rumors of being broke and close to rock bottom, but who knows? We talking about some game dogs that we loved for their pride, the giant size chips on their shoulders and the size of the fight in them. It’s been said that Allen has a mean nest egg he has to live to 65 before he can touch. He’s also doing something with Ice Cube so there is hope yet. DMX on the other hand looks pretty bad. He’s become the crackhead uncle of hip-hop. I have faith that he’ll come around and shock us with that Rudolph the red nose reindeer Christmas album. As for Gracen Avril. He’s a productive member of society and a great father. Currently training his young son to dunk on some words writing ass nigga like me.

Peace and harmony, Rivers

Rivers’ Rant: The Infamous Intro

Brace yourselves. This can get rough!

 

Get ready for a sports take from a brutally honest, highly opinionated perspective.

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What it is, what it was, and what it be like? First things second.  I’m Rivers, a full-time barber, hip-hop snob, movie critic, and all around sports junkie.  For the most part sports will be the topic of discussion. Just a little fun fact, I’m bilingual. Proficient in both English and profanity so there’s going to be some rough language.

Rarely does my crew miss a good round of fisticuffs, a highlight dunk, or the latest one handed catch. Then we proceed to debate the fuck out of each other’s opinions. We all have our own alliances of course, but as for me, I’m a diehard Texans fan. Hell everything Houston. If you ask me ‘The Tyler Rose’ is the hardest running back ever to grace the field. Bum Phillips is a deified saint. Nolan Ryan is the best pitcher ever and I refuse to have the proverbial quarterback G.O.A.T. conversation without Warren Moon.

THE MAN HAD THE WORST RECEIVING CORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT, I REFUSE TO DEBATE THIS! (Of course I will at the drop of a hat but that’s not the point)

Last but not least Hakeem ‘The Dream’ Olajuwon is the greatest PF of all time. I know what you’re saying, ‘but Rivers Olajuwon was a center’. To that I’d say if you ever stop me again while I’m talking I’ll cut your fucking nuts off!  True, but Tim Duncan practically played center yet he’s listed as PF. Personally, The Dream is the better all around player and I have absolutely no way, other than blind fan devotion, to usurp Kareem Abdul Jabbar of the title of greatest center and possibly player, like they say, *insert Jay Z line*

Brutal honesty is something I pride myself on that and my undying hatred of the Dallas Cowboys and their shitty, ass hat fans and dry wit. Hopefully all will shine through in my prideful prose about sport and the men and women that play. Keep in mind my article will bring politics into play and a whole lot of hypocritical personal feelings. Feel free to check me and call me on my bullshit if you feel I get a little too astray from the real. Seriously though, there are certain times when your personal feelings and convictions change or are challenged in a major way due to new facts so I will vary my opinion from time to time.

I will attempt to be humorously conscious like Muhammad Ali, and Dick Gregory, but brutal like a Mike Tyson uppercut and the Bruce Lee front kick. To quote Bill Russell ‘it’s better to understand than to be understood’  and that’s all I’m going to be seeking from these post. It’s gonna be hard and crushing, unflinching yet at the same time adapting like Sifu Lee says, be water my friend, be water.

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Rivers