Rivers’ Rant: The Infamous Intro

Brace yourselves. This can get rough!

 

Get ready for a sports take from a brutally honest, highly opinionated perspective.

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What it is, what it was, and what it be like? First things second.  I’m Rivers, a full-time barber, hip-hop snob, movie critic, and all around sports junkie.  For the most part sports will be the topic of discussion. Just a little fun fact, I’m bilingual. Proficient in both English and profanity so there’s going to be some rough language.

Rarely does my crew miss a good round of fisticuffs, a highlight dunk, or the latest one handed catch. Then we proceed to debate the fuck out of each other’s opinions. We all have our own alliances of course, but as for me, I’m a diehard Texans fan. Hell everything Houston. If you ask me ‘The Tyler Rose’ is the hardest running back ever to grace the field. Bum Phillips is a deified saint. Nolan Ryan is the best pitcher ever and I refuse to have the proverbial quarterback G.O.A.T. conversation without Warren Moon.

THE MAN HAD THE WORST RECEIVING CORE IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT, I REFUSE TO DEBATE THIS! (Of course I will at the drop of a hat but that’s not the point)

Last but not least Hakeem ‘The Dream’ Olajuwon is the greatest PF of all time. I know what you’re saying, ‘but Rivers Olajuwon was a center’. To that I’d say if you ever stop me again while I’m talking I’ll cut your fucking nuts off!  True, but Tim Duncan practically played center yet he’s listed as PF. Personally, The Dream is the better all around player and I have absolutely no way, other than blind fan devotion, to usurp Kareem Abdul Jabbar of the title of greatest center and possibly player, like they say, *insert Jay Z line*

Brutal honesty is something I pride myself on that and my undying hatred of the Dallas Cowboys and their shitty, ass hat fans and dry wit. Hopefully all will shine through in my prideful prose about sport and the men and women that play. Keep in mind my article will bring politics into play and a whole lot of hypocritical personal feelings. Feel free to check me and call me on my bullshit if you feel I get a little too astray from the real. Seriously though, there are certain times when your personal feelings and convictions change or are challenged in a major way due to new facts so I will vary my opinion from time to time.

I will attempt to be humorously conscious like Muhammad Ali, and Dick Gregory, but brutal like a Mike Tyson uppercut and the Bruce Lee front kick. To quote Bill Russell ‘it’s better to understand than to be understood’  and that’s all I’m going to be seeking from these post. It’s gonna be hard and crushing, unflinching yet at the same time adapting like Sifu Lee says, be water my friend, be water.

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Rivers

Why this brotha got me talkin about golf up in this bar?

Hey young world? I hope your day has been a funky one. I would say I left the corner store to go to this sports bar in ATx to get a drank or 3, but in reality wherever your boy 12 is, the Corner Store is there with me.

But I digress.  After drinking a couple of tall boys of Bell’s Whitestone APA(IPA) and knocking down a shot of Bullet whiskey a cleanly shaven black man comes and sits a couple of seats away from me. I’m watching how LeBron is making Atlanta Hawks’ big man Paul Millsap look like an average sized dude when I know damned well that Millsap is probably the mirror image of the Philistine giant that the shepherd boy David hit in the face with a rock. This brotha starts talking about the Masters at Augusta golf tournament that was on the TV to my far left.

So I asked him was he into golf. He said mostly just the majors. Turned out that he was driving and a friend told him that Sergio Garcia was choking again.

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So I joked that Sergio was just pro golf’s Tony Romo. Side note…. I’ve always heard that the recently retired Romo was good enough to possibly be a pro golfer. That’s why he was offered a lucrative salary to put on a suit and tie, instead of the pads, to become a football/golf analyst. I don’t want to stray off topic.

Back to the Sergio and Romo comparison. Besides the fact that they kinda look like 3rd cousins on their Mama’s side, they both were promoted to be the NEXT. U know what I mean. The sports/entertainment world is always looking for the next big thing even when the present big thing is still proving why they are considered the BIG thing.  Like Romo was the next Favre or Amerie was the next Mary J Blige.

At the time of Sergio’s emergence nobody could F with Tiger Tiger Woods Y’all (In my Chris Rock voice).  The golfing world so desperately wanted someone to challenge Tiger and Sergio was the perfect Manchurian candidate.  He was young, talented, charismatic, and not black.

The sport of golf was White Supremacy’s aka Jim Crow sport’s last strong hold on big time professional competition.  Tiger shook a lot of things up even though that was no where near his intention from what I gathered.  He’s far from a freedom fighter, more like a reluctant barrier breaker.  Tiger was more concerned with catching Jack “The Golden Bear” Nicklaus and knockin’ down blondes behind his then wife’s back.

I’m getting off topic again. The Force of the IPA is strong my son.

bells-brewery So, while we were talking about Sergio almost reaching the mountain top just to fizzle at the biggest moment like Romo, the brotha brought up Phil Mickelson.

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So again I made a comparison.  I said Phil was the Rick Adelman led Sacramento Kings of Golf. Lefty would have won more during the reign of Eldrick, but Mr. Woods was just too bombaclot dominant. C Webb, Bibby, Peja, and company would have won a few chips in my opinion if they hadn’t run into a prime Shaq, Kobe , and the gang so many times.

Then my A.D.D.( and buzz) made me think of Clyde Drexler’s Portland Trailblazers. That squad would have won multiple rings had they not had to deal with the Bad Boys and MJ’s Bulls. That was a tough and long squad.  Not to mention that The Glyde was arguably the 2nd best shooting guard in the NBA at the time, behind only Jordan.

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So my point is that if you want to stay on one topic, then just say no to alcohol before you start to write a sports blog.  Do as I say and not as I do. And oh yeah… Sergio actually won the Masters so now my Romo comparison is now null and void.

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